As I continue my journey towards my goal of being aware that
I am whole, I felt it appropriate to share this journey with you so those of
you in the same situation as I am will begin to recognize you own oneness and
no longer feel a need to limit yourself.
My ego and I have been in a bit of a pitched battle. If anyone has ever heard John Mayer’s song “Heartbreak
Warfare,” you’ll get my meaning. Bombs
are falling everywhere as my lower self and my higher self are settling
things. This, folks is where the energetic rubber meets the esoteric road. It would be quite accurate to say, at least in my case, shit just got real. I have
never, ever felt so much angst, anger, frustration, anxiety and self-loathing
as I have in the past couple of weeks. Depressive cycles of the past are child's play compared to what my lower self has been doing - everything from hatred of my life to a desire to do physical harm to myself has been contemplated, but my higher self has also brought out the big guns, affirmations and reminders of what those who truly love and care for me wish for me. I
have had to release a lot of built up frustration, pent up resentments, and overcome
a lot of resistance. I have been dodging
everything my lower self can throw at me, and I’m not even halfway to the objective.
This is the best, most stark way I can put this; my lower self is
playing dirty, and it’s not about to give up, though my higher self must,
ultimately, win out.
When we choose to become aware of our own unique oneness, all
the nasty crap we have been repressing for years comes out. In my case, the feelings of inadequacy, lack
of masculinity, and anger over letting potential lovers get away is part of
it. So are the feelings that my family
really didn’t want me, self-loathing over my failings in college and school,
and the massive amount of debt I have incurred in my life as the result of
wanting to “select” the rules I wished to play by. That, combined with how I allowed my lower
self to play the “victim” card with regards to my marriage, and it was all one
really, really nasty pile of cow dung just waiting to be heated and blown into
the stratosphere for all to smell.
The dust is slowly beginning to settle, but I’m beginning to understand a few things. First, I have some amazing
friends who have come to my aid, and some of them have always been there. Some are new, and a few are truly
special. Second, I feel closer to
finding my twin than ever, even if it’s not who I thought it was. That particular battle with my ego is particularly brutal; I so badly want my twin to be one person, but who the hell
is it really? Only my soul, my higher
self, and the universe itself knows and, to be very honest, I haven’t been good
at listening to any of them over the years.
Yes, there have been snatches of conversation I have picked up, images,
etc, but nothing has been clear, nor should it be. I’m not aware of my whole self, and I have
yet to empower myself to be the person I know I can be. Without that level of empowerment, nothing
will come together. I have to learn to be open, aware, and accepting of all possibilities. I'm not even close to that yet, but I am getting there.
At one time, I believed free will to be the paramount thing
in our lives. Now I understand; the
universe gives us choices. Free will is
what makes life mostly unpredictable, but true joy comes from sweet
surrender. Rather than try to force things
to our own ends, I have chosen to let it all flow, and let the universe unfold
as it should. There really is, when it
comes down to it, no other way for it to work without struggle, and there are
far more important things to focus my energy on than struggle.
Thank you for reading and my best thoughts and intentions to
you as you join me on this path and in your own journey.
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