The Dark Horse Rides - the rubber meets the road.

As I continue my journey towards my goal of being aware that I am whole, I felt it appropriate to share this journey with you so those of you in the same situation as I am will begin to recognize you own oneness and no longer feel a need to limit yourself.

My ego and I have been in a bit of a pitched battle.  If anyone has ever heard John Mayer’s song “Heartbreak Warfare,” you’ll get my meaning.  Bombs are falling everywhere as my lower self and my higher self are settling things.  This, folks is where the energetic rubber meets the esoteric road.  It would be quite accurate to say, at least in my case, shit just got real.  I have never, ever felt so much angst, anger, frustration, anxiety and self-loathing as I have in the past couple of weeks.  Depressive cycles of the past are child's play compared to what my lower self has been doing - everything from hatred of my life to a desire to do physical harm to myself has been contemplated, but my higher self has also brought out the big guns, affirmations and reminders of what those who truly love and care for me wish for me.  I have had to release a lot of built up frustration, pent up resentments, and overcome a lot of resistance.  I have been dodging everything my lower self can throw at me, and I’m not even halfway to the objective.

This is the best, most stark way I can put this; my lower self is playing dirty, and it’s not about to give up, though my higher self must, ultimately, win out.

When we choose to become aware of our own unique oneness, all the nasty crap we have been repressing for years comes out.  In my case, the feelings of inadequacy, lack of masculinity, and anger over letting potential lovers get away is part of it.  So are the feelings that my family really didn’t want me, self-loathing over my failings in college and school, and the massive amount of debt I have incurred in my life as the result of wanting to “select” the rules I wished to play by.  That, combined with how I allowed my lower self to play the “victim” card with regards to my marriage, and it was all one really, really nasty pile of cow dung just waiting to be heated and blown into the stratosphere for all to smell.

The dust is slowly beginning to settle, but I’m beginning to understand a few things.  First, I have some amazing friends who have come to my aid, and some of them have always been there.  Some are new, and a few are truly special.  Second, I feel closer to finding my twin than ever, even if it’s not who I thought it was.  That particular battle with my ego is particularly brutal; I so badly want my twin to be one person, but who the hell is it really?  Only my soul, my higher self, and the universe itself knows and, to be very honest, I haven’t been good at listening to any of them over the years.  Yes, there have been snatches of conversation I have picked up, images, etc, but nothing has been clear, nor should it be.  I’m not aware of my whole self, and I have yet to empower myself to be the person I know I can be.  Without that level of empowerment, nothing will come together.  I have to learn to be open, aware, and accepting of all possibilities.  I'm not even close to that yet, but I am getting there.

At one time, I believed free will to be the paramount thing in our lives.  Now I understand; the universe gives us choices.  Free will is what makes life mostly unpredictable, but true joy comes from sweet surrender.  Rather than try to force things to our own ends, I have chosen to let it all flow, and let the universe unfold as it should.  There really is, when it comes down to it, no other way for it to work without struggle, and there are far more important things to focus my energy on than struggle.

Thank you for reading and my best thoughts and intentions to you as you join me on this path and in your own journey.

Free will, universal law, and why creation should be effortless.

I was asked a question this week.  What's the most important thing in life:  free will or the will of the universe?  I answered "free will" because I believed without the ability to choose your path, nothing else matters.

I was challenged with this thought...free will means ego comes first.  The will of the universe means making choices and allowing those choices to be what you feel IS right, rather than what you CHOOSE to be right.

Pretty interesting difference, isn't it?  On one hand, we want to decide what WE believe is best for us while, on the other, we have the OPPORTUNITY to choose what the universe (spirit, source, God), KNOWS is best for us.  So the issue isn't really what should we DO, but instead what is BEST for us.  Yes, it's a tricky one, isn't it?

Or is it?  I offer up the Oriental concept of Effortless Action.

Ancient Oriental philosophies speak of action without strain, of how even the weakest amongst us may move mountains when we understand certain fundamental laws.  Much like the means used to construct Miami's famed Coral Castle, these laws are often considered a mystery not because they don't exist or are lost, but because we have focused on using our will to create, rather than allowing creation to be effortless.  Yes, building takes effort.  That is the natural price we must pay for achieving our goals.  Yet the means and methods to reach the goals after we have built the foundation should be effortless.

Have you ever notice how medical professionals, when they set their ego aside and focus on the patient, seem to somehow "discover" the proper course of action?  Have you ever watched an artist who has "given up" suddenly paint a masterpiece?  Have you eve noticed that when you decide that you don't absolutely need something anymore, that you surrender control over life, that things somehow begin to "come together?"

That's what I'm talking about.  Yes, it is a very difficult thing to achieve for those of us raised that physical might and beauty are the paramount things.  It requires a full cosmic cleansing of the things which poison or hearts and souls.  It can be as painful as we allow it to be.  I know I let it be extremely painful, until I was reminded that the universe has a plan based on my choices.  Things adjust based on choice and thoughts.  Creation should always be effortless if it's authentic, of the higher self.  Otherwise it's all ego.

I've chosen to begin accepting serenity.  To be happy with less, and to focus on service.  I've chosen to educate and inform, and be educated in return.  My life will be filled with some challenges from others as I begin to weed out what doesn't serve me, but I feel at ease with my choice.  To be one in myself is my goal, and I hope my words will help you achieve the same.

Thank you for reading. 

Apologies for my recent "soul tantrum"

On occasion, I will make a post which is not appropriate for the moment.  My recent post asking for my Twin Soul to show herself to me was a perfect example of that.  The fact is, this should not be done unless one feels whole in oneself.  This post was a failure of judgment, an act of desperation, and I apologize for it.

Making demands or crying for help is neither appropriate, just or proper.  That is like telling the universe "this is how I want it!"  The universe will look at us and simply give us the "silent treatment."  Much like a parent, friend or loved one would do when we behave like petulant children, this is a measure used to remind us not of the pecking order, but of the fact that we are, in fact, already whole.  It is really a matter of understanding ourselves and, when necessary, getting some outside assistance.  A friend of mine recently assisted in this, providing necessary perspective, guidance and opinion, as well as a refresher of what underlying causes may exist.  This sort of thing is essential when we are working to become one and whole within ourselves.  Her words resonated with me, and I am grateful to have such a trusted friend.

That being said, there is something to be said for integrating western concepts of psychology with ancient knowledge and esoteric thought.  When we are not balanced mentally, it's easy to slip into another world and want to escape.  Reality is, boiled down to its essence, a rough place to hang out.  We face many challenges in our waking life, whether it be financial, emotional or physical.  Rather than dwelling on what's not there, creating something better should be the goal.  Blaming others for what happened in life gives them power over you.  Taking back that power, being true to one's own self, is true power.  Forgiveness is key, as is the willingness to ask "it happened, but it is any longer relevant?"  Sometimes it takes a long time, especially if that identity and ability to reconcile one's own sense of self has been compromised for many years.  It requires a conscious decision, and complete unison between waking mind and higher mind.  This mastery requires discipline and can take years to accomplish, sometimes a whole lifetime.

I will never profess to having all the answers.  In fact, if anything has been proven over the last week, it's that I have so few answers and so very much to learn.  I am constantly thirsting for knowledge, understanding and the burning desire to become a better person.  I wish to help others, and become the person I am determined to be.  Becoming whole in myself requires integration of what's already there.  We are already whole - it's just a matter of unlocking that knowledge and integrating it into our being.  Whether it is because of mental trauma, physical pain, or some sort of life event which left us with wounds never healed, integration sometimes requires outside help.

Seeking help is never weakness.  Rather, it requires true strength of self to recognize when you can't go it alone and need that hand up.  We learn by living, experiencing, and practicing that which is right and just for us.  The universe grants up free will for a reason; to allow us to learn.  Yet free will is only a tool, it's only as useful as our willingness to learn.  Understanding our reactions to the actions of others affords us greater understanding.  As much as we can predict what may happen based on esoteric science and ancient wisdom, it is merely that, a forecast based on the data at hand.  It is no more set in stone than the weather forecast for the next day.

My gratitude to you all for reading, and for your indulgence of my brief tantrum.  Reason and wisdom remain my goal.  I'm no master, nor am I a hero, teacher or guru.  I'm simply sharing my confusion on the road to greater understanding and enlightenment.  Thank you for joining me.

Declaration of readiness for Twin Soul Reunion

I sit here, alone, in darkness.  Only the light of a room adjacent to me illuminates the interior of my home.  Tonight, I feel dark inside, barren, empty.  The light which shines within me is extinguished for the moment.  I did a solar return chart on myself and the results were nearly frightening.

It is not a joyous thing when you realize the person you love so much, with all your heart and soul, may not be the person you are supposed to be with.  It is most difficult to understand that the woman whom you would have done anything to win the heart of may be, in fact, the worst possible match for yourself or that, worse still, you may be the worst possible match for her.  This is where the rubber meets the esoteric road, when you must look deep inside yourself and think and listen, release all your attachment and understand what must be versus what is.

Right now, I have no clue what must be.  All I know is what is.  I am am unhappy, in a marriage which is not working, in a situation in which my prospects are dim and my soul is fading.  My energy has dimmed beyond recovery in so many ways, I have sought the help of a friend who is rather expensive to help me out.  At the end of the day, I pray that my endeavors are worth the time, but I can only feel complete distress and despair.  All I feel is the energy being drained from me from forces beyond my control, which seek to destroy all who stand in their way.  They may be winning.

I call upon my friends, allies and angels to help me.  I beg for the forgiveness of the universe for the mistakes of my past, and cry out to my Twin Soul for support in the most dangerous hour of my life.  I ask her with all my heart and all my soul to please tell me who she is somehow, some way, so I know for certain.  Without knowing who she is, I have so little hope of saving myself.  If she is with someone and is happy, I will rejoice in that I can finally find peace and move on.  If she is single and happy, the same.  If she is missing me and wishes me to return to her, I beg her to just acknowledge her presence so I know who she is.  This is all I ask.  For me to be whole within myself, I can do the rest and begin the hard work.  I just need to know.

I call upon the universe and those who have aided me before to grant me this profound wisdom and sacred knowledge.  The Dark Horse needs his Lady in his life, even if it cannot be romantic.  He needs to know she exists., and so he is no longer cold and barren, but knowing her energy is there, to help guide him back to where he belongs.  I am ready to stop running.  I no longer wish to run, but to know who she is.  When she tells me who she is, I will begin the process of reunion.

I am ready, and waiting to know.