Rejection, Pain, and a Wish for a Christmas Miracle

This has a been a difficult month, for the Dark Horse, to say the least.  The one who the Dark Horse thought was my sacred other, my twin soul, the one whom I've loved for so long, rejected me.  It is a feeling beyond comparison.  I have done my best to keep a happy face, a determined look about me, but this has been something which, while expected, was completely stunned by the thorough nature of the rejection.

My heart feels "it's not over yet," but my soul is saying "back away slowly, and walk the other direction for now."

There are very few experiences in this world similar to a deep, profound heartbreak.  Perhaps it was all something I built up in my mind; this person and I had not really spent much time over the years.  We've changed.  She and I don't talk much.  There's nothing we really have in common anymore.  We speak different languages and hang out in different circles.  What once was, no longer is.  Yes, those are the thoughts still occupying my conscious mind.  This, combined with the knowledge that nothing I can do to change this person's mind, makes it difficult beyond words to come to grips with.  It wasn't that there was no chance; I was never given a chance.  Yes, there's love there, but friendship only.

It is painful beyond explanation.  My heart is breaking so much I have cried more in the last week than I've cried in the last ten years.  The Dark Horse isn't one to cry, which makes this all the most profound a hurt.

I must soldier on and move on.  I must live in the moment and learn to love myself, even though that which I want most will never be mine.  This is the sort of feeling which people who are in the Darkest Night of their Souls push them over the edge, into an eternal abyss.  I'm calling on my spirit guides, angels and everyone who can help to keep me in the fight, and accepting the fact that sometimes, things happen which have no explanation.

My lone prayer now is this; I want this individual to experience a Christmas miracle, but not involving me.  I ask that God and the Universe allow her to meet the man who will love her the way I would have, as well as the way I still do, and let her be happy, no matter what.  I'm okay that it's not me; in fact, I don't want it to be me, because I know it's not what she wants.  That's all I ask for now.  Hopefully I can come back in a few weeks with a message of joy and happiness for you.  For now, I must sit in darkness and mourn the loss of a dream, killed before it ever had time to truly live.